Therapy: What It Is and What It Is Not
Photo by Aaron Burden
Many clients come to their very first therapy session saying, “I don’t really know how this works", so today I would like to introduce you to a few basic understandings of what therapy is and also what it is not.
Important note
Therapy as a practice is incredibly varied and diverse, with each practitioner using different approaches, modalities and practices. So when I talk about what therapy is and is not, I am talking only about what therapy is and is not with me as your therapist.
What therapy is
Therapy is a relationship
In a relational approach that I practice, therapy is all about the realm of human relations. This may sound obvious at first, but certain therapies focus mostly (if not only) on cognitive and behavioral approaches, where many times the relational is left behind. In focusing on therapy as a relationship, a lot can be unearthed, processed and integrated.
This can be how you see yourself, how you see others, how you show up to relationships, how others perceive you, where you may be sending mixed signals to those around you, where you may be reading mixed signals in others, where you/others may communicate well and/or poorly, how certain stories have shaped you with or without your explicit knowledge, and so on.
Therapy is your space
As a client, therapy is a space that you create. This can look like using is for the purposes of venting/letting out some feelings that have been brewing, or being silent because you are grieving. It can a place of active collaboration or thoughtful reflection. It can a space to let out anger you may be afraid to show elsewhere and let yourself cry as much as you need.
Therapy is work
Therapy requires participation, and this participation will at times be uncomfortable, unpleasant or downright painful. It will also be illuminating, containing and healing. When you come to therapy, you are bringing your vulnerable, courageous self. It is an act of honor and trust, both in yourself and your therapist, to come ready to work on what brought you to therapy to begin with.
What therapy is not
Therapy is not a friendship/romantic relationship
While this one may seem obvious, it is important to watch out for when therapy becomes too much like two friends chatting about their days rather than working toward your treatment goals and desires for the present and future. Even more inappropriate is any romantic and/or sexual relationship between you and your therapist. As a client, you have the full right to have your therapy space be safe and not be taken advantage of.
Therapy is not a monologue
Therapy is a space for you to process, hypothesize and connect. Yet when therapy becomes a monologue on a consistent, long-term basis, how does it benefit you? Make sure that your therapist creates an environment for you where both of you can participate. After all, you are in therapy to get help, and you are paying for the therapist’s knowledge, skills and presence. Taking advantage of what your therapist has to offer you in sessions is a good way to practice hearing both wonderful and challenging things that can help you expand your ideas of self and others.
Therapy is not force
By which I mean, the pace is set by you and your therapist. If your therapy is consistently dysregulating to you, i.e. every session you finish you are distraught, on edge, really anxious, etc., you are likely going too fast too soon. Make sure to slow down and allow as much space as your stories need to breathe. Therapy should not be forceful, re-traumatizing or violent.
While initially therapy can be a daunting step, like many other first steps, with courage and a bit of research/planning you can be soon on your way toward more grounding, emotional presence and a space to be seen, heard and listened to. I sincerely hope for a space like that for you.