Getting Through the Holidays With Family Estrangement
For some the holiday season is a time of year that brings about positive associations. They may remember their childhood Christmas celebrations or look forward to gathering with loved ones to engage in family traditions.
For others, especially folks who are survivors of cPTSD or childhood trauma, the holidays can be a particularly hard time of the year.
While the world is plunged into twinkling lights, Christmas carols and other Hallmark-type moments associated with the season, many are grieving.
It may be grief associated with remembering childhood holidays that never met the mark for one reason or another, ones that only highlighted family dysfunctions rather than brought people together. It may be the opposite - remembering the holidays when they were still good, before something in the family fell apart.
Whatever the reason may be for the grief making itself known, there are a few reminders/tips I wanted to share with you all to ease the transition through this season and into the new year.
(Please note my language will use the term holidays alongside Christmas, simply because of my own background celebrating these holidays. However your religion, practice or tradition may be different, and some of the language not applicable. I hope that you are able to take what you need and leave the rest).
The push-pull dynamic is normal
When you are someone who grew up in a dysfunctional or abusive environment, there may come a time when distancing yourself from that environment is a step toward sanity, self-preservation and self-care. The push away from family may be a very necessary step toward focusing on your own healing.
Yet during the holidays the pull toward family may return. There may be thoughts of wanting to reconnect with family, check in around the holidays, or want to be invited to family gatherings. These feelings may seem contradictory or confusing, but are in fact very normal.
There will always be a part of us that will yearn for connection with our family, despite whatever happened in the past. Missing family, or the notion of an ideal family, is part of the grieving process that acknowledges the loss of what was, or perhaps what never came to pass.
The key is not to judge this part of ourselves, not to criticize ourselves for wanting love, connection and family, but to turn to ourselves with compassion and kindness. To name the loss and grief alongside the parts of us that ache and miss someone or something.
Create your own traditions
When we feel isolated from family and are at a loss as to what to do with our holiday season, it is important to create rituals and traditions that are solely our own.
Part of the process of healing our inner child’s wounds is showing up for ourselves as the capable adult we are. What would your inner child want around the holidays? Is it a Christmas tree that is white instead of green? Is it a trip to warm Arizona instead of the snowy East Coast? Is it tacos instead of ham on Christmas eve?
You now decide what traditions are important to you and how you want to create them. You are allowed and encouraged to take up space around the holidays to determine your own desires, goals and wishes.
Consider gathering your chosen family
For many who are estranged from their families, whether fully or partially, creating a community of chosen family can be a way to write a new narrative.
It is natural to want togetherness and connection around the holidays, so why not do it your way? Gather close friends and people who understand you, get you and love you. Cook together, or order a bunch of take out, and host a feast that celebrates your new connections. One that honors people who have been with you through thick and thin, and who you are grateful to have in your life.
Give yourself a gift
Gift giving is part of many holiday traditions around the world, one that highlights thoughtfulness and tenderness for someone through the act of giving.
If you know there won’t be family to exchange gifts with this year, giving yourself a gift may be a small way to honor that you deserve the love, tenderness and care that may be communicated through this process.
It doesn’t have to be anything big, and it doesn’t need to be material either. You can give yourself the gift of rest, allowing yourself to take a week off at the end of the year.
You can give yourself the gift of joy by going to see a comedy or a musical. You can give yourself the gift of time, letting a day or two be completely free on your schedule that you decide what to do with. You deserve to show yourself kindness, care and love; giving yourself a gift can be a way to do just that.
Remember, however you choose to spend your holiday season (or if you do), you are not alone if your feelings that may be confusing, angering, contradictory, or just plain sad. Times that are marked by past traditions, such as the holidays, can be incredibly loaded with memories, experiences and events of the past. Having a lot of strong emotions around this time is normal.
Be kind to yourself as you move through this season. Create space for slowness. Allow yourself to grieve. Let others take care of you and bring you into community that will create new traditions, where you can find your own kind of peace.