3 Ways We Self-Sabotage
And what to try instead
Image by Maksim Goncharenok
Self-sabotage has become somewhat of a dirty word. The negative connotation to it is simple: it’s bad and you should avoid it.
But is anything in life so simple?
Self-sabotage can happen for a variety of reasons, some of which can include patterns of behavior that were established during dysregulating or traumatic events.
Self-sabotage, in my opinion, is almost always protective. Frequently it is also unintentional, despite the information you may find on the internet that defines self-sabotage as an intentional act of undermining yourself in your progress toward your goals.
So the purpose of this blog post is two-fold: bring more compassion toward ourselves when we do self-sabotage, and look at a few most common ways we do it. We will also touch upon how to move toward a different response that inflicts less damage to self.
1. Not making room for rest
Whether it is cultural or familial, the prevalent narrative in our society is that we must be productive in everything we do. Said narrative has little nuance. Capitalism demands that we be productive members of society, don’t waste valuable time, hustle hustle hustle and embrace the grind culture.
But the old adage of we are human beings, not human doings exists for a reason: we are not meant to be in constant go mode. We need rest. And without it our bodies and brains crumble.
How many times have you found yourself pushing to meet a deadline at work only to come down with the flu the moment you meet it? Or only recognizing you need rest when your body is hurting and loudly letting you know it is?
Not making room for rest is one of the most common ways we self-sabotage - we forget to listen to our bodies, we run ourselves to the ground. This not only literally hurts us, it also disrupts body trust and the relationship we have with our body. Our bodies learn that they have to yell loudly for us to pay attention.
Now, it is important to note that privilege is a huge aspect of making room for rest. Folks who have little time to rest as they’re trying to survive from day to day is a different circumstance and a different narrative. Context matters. Yet even in these contexts, a discussion of how to introduce tiny spaces for breath can be relevant.
What to try instead: rest needs to become a part of our everyday lives, a habit that is ingrained. But to get there we need practice and consistency. You can start by scheduling small slots in your day to just be, to take a break, to move/stretch, to eat something tasty, to just look out the window. Once that becomes easier, rest can start looking less like this: work*work*work*work*work, rest*rest*rest and more like this: work*rest*work*rest*work*rest*.
2. Taking out our feelings on others
Once again, here is a reminder that we are approaching each of these with compassion for ourselves. We have all taken out our feelings on others, it is a normal human thing to do. We are here to notice and become aware of patterns rather than judge ourselves for it.
We may lash out at others, pick fights, nag, etc. for many reasons. It may be what we learned from our families of origin. It may be the only way we have known connection.
It may also be because we are in pain. Some part of us may recognize we have feelings about something, yet instead of sitting with those feelings and letting in what feels like a torrent of pain, we choose controlled pain of picking a fight with a loved one. It is a pain we feel we have a handle on, or it may feel like at least we chose it rather than it just happened to us.
Whatever the reasons for taking out feelings on others may be, the end result tends to be similar: we push others away and are left feeling alienated. We also tend to reaffirm to ourselves that we are bad, we are not good enough, we are not worthy, the relationship is broken, etc. By choosing controlled pain over an unknown one we are still left alone with it in the end, thus completing the self-sabotaging circle.
What to do instead: vulnerability is the key to connection. And it is also one of the hardest practices to engage in. Reminding ourselves that vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness is key. Giving ourselves permission to feel is paramount to the healing process. And letting others see our pain can be profoundly healing as well. Next time you feel like you want to take it out on someone else, ask yourself this instead: “What feelings may I be avoiding right now? What feels particularly hard to sit with? What is hurting and needing my attention?”
3. Choosing what is familiar over what you want
There is comfort in the known. In a lot of cases we don’t need to stretch, change or adapt to the familiar. We feel in control and revel in the pleasant feeling of knowing what’s around the corner. Whether it is boring or unstimulating may become irrelevant, particularly for survivors of trauma and abuse. As long as it’s predictable, it’s safe. And that’s all that matters.
Creating safety is incredibly important, especially if growing up there was little to none of it. Yet at what point the pursuit of safety and familiarity above everything else dulls your shine and robs you of opportunity to live a rich, full, authentic life?
That’s when self-sabotage may come in. If you are finding yourself working the same job for ten years yet secretly yearning to go to art school, at what point does caution and fear turn into consistently choosing less for the sake of predictability? (Once again wanting to acknowledge that privilege and context matters here, for the sake of brevity I am simplifying)
What to do instead: check in with yourself and get to know your interests, preferences, curiosities and desires. Follow your pleasure. In what circumstances do you feel yourself light up? When do you feel the most peace and contentedness? Then see how much of it you are currently experiencing in your life and what areas may need an infusion of joy to make you come alive.
As you ponder what you have just read, here are a few more reflection questions to see where else self-sabotage may show up:
What is my relationship with imperfection and how do I tolerate it?
How do I feel about external demands and pressure exerted onto me? What is my process in responding to these?
Who am I in relationships? What are my go-to thoughts when I am triggered or activated?
I hope you find more gentleness for yourself as you examine what may be self-sabotaging to you. Remember: awareness if the first step toward change. You are already choosing something better for yourself, just by becoming curious about your own responses.