6 Tips for Better Communication
There are many aspects of our living that add color, depth and dimension to our experience of this world. Travel, a beloved pet, or a hobby. The type of work we do. Values that orient us in life. Our relationships.
Relationships is a place where we can be seen with all our complexity. Relationships can also leave us yearning for more, be it for a lack of connection or intimacy.
So how do we cultivate the type of relationships that truly nourish us and support our growth and development as human beings?
Below are a few basic tips to consider to help improve communication in your relationships, be it with your friends, family or co-workers.
1. Listen without formulating an answer
We have heard this one before, but it is so important that it warrants being said again and again. Many of us find ourselves in conversation with others, only to be thinking of what the person said a little while ago, how it made us feel, and formulating an answer without being fully present.
This very human trait makes us miss the entirety of others’ experience. When we are too busy thinking of a response, we miss not only the rest of the content. We miss feelings, longings, desires, intonation changes, layered elements of what is being said and so much more. We not only do a disservice to the person we are in a conversation with. We are missing out on the opportunity to have a deep, meaningful exchange with another human.
Next time you are engaging with someone, try relaxing into your body and just listen. Let the words wash over you. Listen for feelings. Notice the person’s body language. Be present, for them and for yourself, and watch your interactions slowly becoming more meaningful.
2. Avoid using ‘always’ and ‘never’
Likely many if not most of us have found ourselves saying something like this: “Ugh, you never clean up after yourself! I am so tired of it.” What kind of response do we typically get afterward? We find others getting defensive. We also send a message to them that everything else that they’ve done before that we actually appreciated has been negated, wiped out, no longer significant or worthy of mention.
To facilitate better communication, try taking the words ‘always’ and ‘never’ out of your vocabulary. Add nuance to your statements. Embrace the gray areas.
3. Try a basic formula
Instead of using ‘always’ and ‘never’, try using this formula instead:
“When you say/do _____, I feel ______.”
Going back to our example above, what if you said this instead: “When you don’t clean up after yourself, I feel unimportant and small.”
What does this do? Your vulnerability can be a doorway for the other person to walk though. You can be joined in your experience and receive care and attention, rather than anger and defensiveness.
4. Face each other
Humans are wired to search for faces. Our brains looks for faces everywhere - in the clouds, in the paths in the grass, in the water’s surface. Our brains need a face to connect to in order to feel safe and secure.
What happens then when we don’t face each other? Our primal brains receive the message that we are not important. We perceive the other person as avoiding our face, and our nervous system wants none of that. In psychology this term is also known as “gaze avoidance”.
Next time you want to talk to another about something, try doing this face-to-face. Ask the other person to put their phone down. Avoid starting intense conversations in the car. All of these situations where your bodies are turned away from each other may help exacerbate disconnection, rather than bring you closer together.
5. Avoid shaming
Imagine a kid on the playground pushed another kid, who ended up falling down and started to cry. You see a parent of the first child run up and say this to them: “Why did you do that?! What is wrong with you?” What kind of message do you suppose this child is receiving? The parent may think they are rightfully disciplining their child into following the prescribed social norms. But instead of addressing behavior, the parent is addressing the child’s entire being.
In your own communication, it is crucial to distinguish between behavior and the whole person. We all do things we regret, but it does not mean we are inherently bad people.
Instead of shaming the other party you are in contact with, try teasing out what you did not appreciate about their behavior without putting their whole personhood into question.
6. Name the positive
We thrive on positive words and affirmations. We want to be seen for who we are, for the things we do, for the characteristics that make us, us.
In communication, naming the positive can be a wonderful way to invite connection. Noticing how hard your friend has been working on something and naming that. Paying attention to your partner trying to do what you asked of them. Complimenting your colleague on a job well done.
Particularly in times of tension or conflict when we tend to get tunnel vision and see only the negative, pause, take a breath, notice the positive and name it. You are still in your right to name the hurt or the pain you may have experienced, but allow yourself to see the multiplicity of the person in front of you, rather than nothing-but-a-bad-person.
Try a couple of these tips and let me know how they worked for you. If you found something to work really well in your relationships, feel free to send me a note and share.